Fileona. Fi-Le-Ona, such a melodious name. I wish I could do justice to that melody like Nabokov does to the name, Lolita.
With her short, blonde-dyed hair and petite figure, Fileona is a force to be dealt with. I met her in her studio. It looks like a run-down place with paint splattered floors and caving-in ceilings, but Fileona finds the place to emanate a soothing effect. This is where she works on her camera (never had I seen such kind), listens to music, does (or does not) her work. As she was making collages, I asked her some questions about Clark, her future and her past recollections.
Sonam Dechen Gurung: What year are you?
Fileona Dkhar: Senior Year. Class of 2017
SDG: Three words that more or less say how you feel about senior year?
FD: “Scary” but also possibly “fulfilling” so I guess we could also add “challenging” into the mix.
SDG: What is your major?
FD: Comparative Literature and Studio Art. Depending on the likelihood of me getting senioritis soon enough, I might or might not add a Screen Studies minor.
SDG: Where do you ideally want your major to get you?
FD: Maybe I have to get my majors first? Just kidding, there never was an awareness of any linear progression towards where I will be, so I didn’t really choose my majors expecting direction. I suppose I expected to learn more, creatively and critically. So ideally, my majors shouldn’t stop that process, they should be platforms towards more learning. So hopefully a college degree continues to give me some more courage, some push forward.
SDG: What do you want to do after you graduate?
FD: Over the summer I did a photo project in Northeast India, which is where I’m from, with the Steinbrecher fellowship. Before going back home, I had been pretty insistent on staying back, going through the whole OPT process, and possibly sticking by till graduate school. But the summer itself changed my perspective. In that very typical way, the feeling of dissatisfaction with my situation came to me. In spite of being an ethnic minority in India, engaging with my own identity has been something I’ve evaded; having wanted to leave, travel abroad and reap the comforts of a Western education. But when I got to stalling on my previous ambitions in America, the depression and unwillingness to contribute to anything substantial made me cave in.
And I began to seek for answers where I’d come from. Nostalgic bits of acting out: listening to music, watching movies from home, watching the news, etc… critiquing the history of not only the place I came from, but a place where (in spite of my familial security) I had actually been sheltered from comprehending suffering. The epitome of this rather privileged “seeking” was that I got to do a whole project on identity formations in the North East. And almost everyone who is a cultural producer there (artist, writer, musician, filmmaker, etc.) is seeking to define this very question of “who are we really now?”
So, in short, I found my space and will be going back to India after graduation. As to what I will do, possibly write or work in publishing while (crossing fingers) having access to a camera, Photoshop and the Indian National Film Archives. Honestly, even though I won’t be able to fully support myself, I am incredibly lucky that I have a support system that lets me continuously engage (or stall) in things that I genuinely think matter to me. It is all a very selfish and confusing path.
SDG: What do you think of the US in terms of academics?
FD: I can’t speak much generally, but being in a private research university like Clark has its perks. The holistic liberal arts part works, and I’ve learned so much. I’m also more willing to challenge myself. When I first came in, I stalled really badly and felt like everything I was doing was worthless.
This translated in my attitude towards academics as well. I feel many internationals have this minor period of initial shock. Having to culturally cope vs having to progress successfully. And American academics can be quite challenging. For instance, in the humanities or fine arts, you have domestic peers who have been exposed to critical thinking, verbal expression, and artistic training. And once you relate your position according to doubt, you can stall.
I hadn’t taken a 35mm film photograph until here so I couldn’t really just complain about how much I had to catch up, I just had to give it a shot. So it’s been a process of figuring out my potential as well, especially because academics here can be such a new approach.
SDG: In retrospect, do you think you made the right decision?
FD: Yes. I came into Clark knowing I would stay through and I have.
SDG: What does one really need to get through college? Especially when you are so far away from a familiar place?
FD: Being away from any place of familiarity is measure of transformation. And I’m all for change. So I am the last person to give anyone advice. But if you want to get through “college”, maybe live in the moment. Keep tabs of what you care about, sate your ego and maybe smell the air sometimes. Worcester has a pretty interesting odor.
SDG: How do you remember your freshman year?
FD: Like I said, I stalled and wasn’t coping very well, so there is that slump that freshman year signifies. But I made great friends, the ones you don’t quite know anymore during senior year and the ones who remain. But there are memories of freshman year weekends, talks and discussions that I will always hold dear.
SDG: What do you wish you had or had not done all these years here at Clark?
FD: I really regret not knowing more of Worcester beyond Main South. Need to work on that now before it’s too late.
SDG: Your favorite place in the US? Why?
FD: New York. It’s a pretty crowded city. I like crowds. And I don’t feel like a foreigner in a way, I just feel like everyone else on the subway, dreadful and self-absorbed.
SDG: What do you do to relax in college?
FD: Watching movies in the Traina Resource Library, that room is my zone. Blu-ray any day.
