DISCLAIMER: I am not claiming to be an expert in dealing with loss. Every experience is different. If you are going through the grieving process and are struggling with your feelings, it is best to contact a professional. Clark Counselling Services is definitely a great place to start.
My father died two years ago. I know that may sound harsh in a society that has built a long list of euphemisms regarding death (passed away, kicked the bucket, in a better place etc). However, the fact remains that my father died and I am finally at a point that I can openly talk about it.
Losing a loved one is never easy. Losing a loved one during the fast-paced nature of college brings new difficulties. To me, every experience can be a learning experience and perhaps if I talk about what I went through, it may help someone going through something similar.
1. It is (almost) always a shock.
I have lost several people in the last 4 years; some have been sudden, while others succumbed to an illness they had been suffering with for years. Each time, there has been a varying amount of shock associated with that dreadful call informing you of what happened. I think part of it is that it is easy to dissociate death from our lives because we get caught up in the hustle of our lives. This means that no matter what you do, you cannot necessarily prepare yourself.
2. You will learn who is there for you.
Low points in life are great opportunities to identify who the most important people in your life are. Although you are experiencing the loss of a loved one, who can never be replaced, you will also learn which friends and family members will go out of their way to be there for you. Very often, this will lead to a surprising discovery as some people who would never show up on your top ten called list may be the ones crucial to getting you through your grief.
3. People want to be there for you, but sometimes might not know how.
Different people have different ways of dealing with things; sometimes what they think you need in a situation of this nature might not be what you feel that you need. It is very easy when you are hurting to lash out at the people closest to you for not knowing what to do. I have learnt from experience that communication is key.
4. People WILL say the wrong thing.
To me, the issue with expressing condolences is that there is no combination of words in the English language that will make what you are feeling any better. Yes, sometimes people will say things that will be the last thing that you want to hear, but the words do not matter. The effort behind the words is what is important.
5. Life does not stop.
Even though your life may have paused, unfortunately everything around you does not. At Clark, that means that assignments will still be due, gala practices will still be scheduled, and parties will still be planned. It is very easy to find normal college life meaningless when you are dealing with so much pain. However, you have to find a balance. Holding on to the past will only keep hurting you in the future. I am not saying that you need to forget your pain or your memories but you need to keep with work, or you will just continue to hurt.
6. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
How you choose to feel, is the right way to feel. I had a difficult relationship with someone I lost and chose to continue remembering both positive and negative things about him. However, many people scrutinised me for speaking ill of the dead. In my view, no one find a better a way for you to deal with your pain other than yourself. Professional advice can be helpful in guiding you but in the end, it is up to you to come to terms with your grief.
7. Create a support network.
People cannot help you unless you let them. Some days will be terrible, the pain you feel will be multiplied and it will be hard to keep up with day-to-day tasks. Let people know. Professors will be willing to help you with your workload as long as they know what you are dealing with. I made the mistake once of trying to deal with it myself and I realised that I would have been better off if I just reached out to faculty, friends, family or anyone at all.
The most important thing that I have learnt from loss is that you never move on. How can you? You will be constantly reminded that you cannot share important memories such as graduation with some of the people that matter the most. However, there is a difference between moving on and moving forward.
